The Monthly Report

It’s hard to believe that yet another month has passed slipped away from me and I’ve barely scratched the surface of my 2015 Goals List!  The funny thing was when I made that list, I had no idea what the future was going to bring.

For example, I still have yet to even begin my running program because I’m STILL coughing so much that I’m constantly sore all over.  In fact, I’ve been coughing so frequently that I choke and barf at least once a day.  But the vomiting isn’t nearly as bad as the chronic cough.  However, I believe I’ve narrowed my problem down to being yet another food allergy, so this month I’ll be doing a modified fast for a period of time and then reintroducing whole foods in their purest form, one at a time, to locate the culprit(s).   (I would appreciate your prayers and good vibes on this one, friends.)  If all goes well, I’ll be hitting the pavement running before we know it.

As for my writing and editing goals, those have also tanked.  Actually, I’ve been slowly very slowly making my way through the editing process.  I sent a couple of manuscripts that were almost there to a couple of different friends (Thanks, Craig and Marissa!) and received some very helpful feedback which has also helped me in editing my other work.  I do feel confident that I’m moving forward, though at a much slower pace than I’d originally intended.  And I hope to soon finish my first draft of my current WIP.

For some exciting news, do you remember recently when I told you how the Grim Reaper singled me out when I was out with a film crew for a television commercial I was producing for an attorney friend?  Well, the Florida Bar approved that commercial, and it should be on the air soon.  I have thirteen more lined up to follow.  As a matter of fact, I’ve been working with said attorney in designing his new office’s logo, letterhead, business cards, website, billboards, etc., and I’ve actually started working in his office as a case manager, bookkeeper, and Director of Marketing.  I never thought I’d work in law again, but I have to say that even though it cuts into my personal and writing time (a LOT!), it’s rather enjoyable to be back in the saddle.

I can also say that this year, I learned a little more about forgiveness.  I got the call in early January that my birth mom only has a limited time left.  I hadn’t spoken to her in over a year prior to that because our relationship was toxic.  She’s never been one to make me feel good when I was around her, and I constantly had anxiety when I’d even see her number on my caller ID.  But when she called this time, I called her back.  I prayed about it and decided that I needed to give her another chance to make things right.  I’ve been helping her out with things she can’t do for herself and spending the most time I ever have in my life with her.  And I have to admit, she hasn’t been as domineering as she has in the past.  Of course, I did lay the groundwork by letting her know that I have no problem disengaging if it becomes necessary, and that I will not allow guilt to make me stay if she starts making me feel bad again.

So besides this stupid, chronic cough, you can see that there were other unexpected things that have crept up and kept me from my ultimate goals for the year.  That said, I refuse to be deterred.  Just because I haven’t gotten a good start on things yet does not mean I won’t get to them before the year’s over.  I’m hopefully optimistic that this elimination diet will identify the food culprit and that I’ll quickly feel much better.

Time to talk:  So far, has your year gone according to your plans?  Have you ever had anything unexpected keep you from your goals?  If so, how did you handle it?  Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?

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Forgiveness

People who know me know how horribly my son’s dad treated us. (People who don’t know me have a difficult time believing how much of it’s really true.)  For years I actively hated him and his wife, and wished only bad things on them.  But in the past year or two, I’ve been working on learning how to forgive him… not for him, but for me. (I’m still not there with her yet.)  It’s still a work in progress.  Some days are easier than others. There aren’t actually very many people in this world who I just really can’t stand, but those two have to be among the top five of about five. Anyway, for today’s Throwback Thursday, I offer a poem I wrote about a year ago in an attempt to let some of my anger go.

Forgivness
By: Rachel Carrera

Occupied with anger
And filled with rage,
The madness holds me hostage
Like a beast in a cage.

For all that you’ve done,
I hold onto my fury,
Hoping you’ll soon be punished;
I’ll be your judge and jury.

You are wicked and spiteful;
You are cold and callous;
You are filled with aggression;
I’m boiling over with malice.

But as I sit here hating you,
Your life seems to go on;
You’re not even affected
By all the evil you’ve done.

You got me pregnant,
Then you took me to court,
And you laughed when the judge
Said you should pay child support.

I raised your son for you,
I did it all alone;
You couldn’t even be bothered
To call him on the phone.

And without you he grew up;
He took the good and the bad;
The only thing he learned from you
Was how not to be a dad.

But when I look at our son
I see he’s not filled with ire;
He accepts that you weren’t there,
And to great heights he does aspire.

You wanted a look-alike son;
Your twin you wanted him to be;
But though he may look like you,
He’s a reflection of me.

You were so concerned with yourself,
You were so narcissistic,
You weren’t even there when your son
Was diagnosed as autistic.

But there’s one thing I noticed
In our son as he grew;
He didn’t waste his time
Thinking of or hating you.

So that got me to thinking
I needed to let my anger go;
My reward was our child
Who you don’t even know.

I think back on the years
I wished you’d end up dead,
And I hear my rage screaming
Inside of my head.

As much as I don’t want to,
I have to agree,
If I don’t release my hatred,
I’ll never be free.

The resentment inside me
Through my pores does bleed
As I think about all
Your selfishness and greed.

So, though you’re a liar,
A deadbeat and a faker,
You don’t answer to me, but
Soon enough, you’ll meet your Maker.

Someday you’ll look back
And you might hear voices
In your head as they remind you
Of all your poor choices.

You’ll be punished abundantly
When in this life you relive
Each moment in your solitude;
But as for me, I’ll forgive.

I always thought that forgiving you
Meant I’m fine with all you’ve done,
That I accepted your cruelty
Toward me and my son.

But now I realize that I was wrong;
The act of forgiving
It isn’t to help you one bit,
But it’s to help me keep living.

Because one thing I’ve learned,
Though it took me too long,
Was hating you didn’t hurt you
But it instead made you strong.

So I take back that power
That my hate helped you accrue,
‘Cause you’re not even worth it
Despite what you put us through.

When I think back to all
The tears that you made me cry,
They’re nothing compared to what
Will haunt you ‘til the day that you die.

One day you will realize
That you’re left all alone,
And you’ll look back and wonder
Where the time has gone.

Your son won’t be with you
As you grasp all the drama
You caused in his life;
But he will be with his Mama.

So I’m now letting go
Of all this anger and hostility;
I’ll feel sorry for you when
You’re all alone with your senility.

Let’s talk:  If someone tried to take your child away from you, how long would you feel anger toward that person?  Have you ever let your anger consume you, or do you easily let things go?