I’m Not Angry Anymore

Since it’s the first Throwback Thursday of National Poetry Month, I’m going to share a poem that I wrote in 2003.  However, before I do, I feel compelled to tell a bit of the backstory…

I was married for about ten minutes in the 90s to an abuser and a cheat who I’d dated since I was thirteen.  During that time, we were apart more than we were together.  Being young and foolish, I believed I could change him or fix him, but ultimately, he was happy being broken.  Eight days after we were married, I came home from work early to find him in bed with my neighbor.  We separated, though we weren’t completely through, and our divorce wasn’t final for another four years.

I was angry for the decade following my divorce… not so much at him, but at myself for being so foolish to waste my youth on this loser.  I walked around making bad man jokes and bad marriage jokes.  Nowadays, I’m a lot more laid back and happy.  In fact, I don’t even like to be around negative people or haters, because negativity is contagious, and I don’t like feeling angry.  But now, I’m embarrassed that the people who only knew me during that time will forever think that that’s who I was always meant to be. So, I think this is why I needed to share my backstory with you.

When I wrote this in 2003, I literally woke up in the middle of the night with this in my head, and I had to write it down right then.  I haven’t read it practically since the night I wrote it until now.  Looking back, I think it’s kind of funny how I went from an AAAA pattern to an AABB pattern, but it was 3:30 in the morning, so perhaps that explains it. Oh, well.

The following poem is a scosche on the angry side, and I didn’t want you think this is what I’m like now.  (Despite the poem’s bitter undertones, however, I hope you’ll notice that I still liked the psychological thriller aspect of the story it tells.)

gone-

“GONE”
By: Rachel Carrera
September 13, 2003

The sky was violet; my eyes were red.
You brought home another whore to my bed.
They cautioned us someone would end up dead
If we continued together, your Miranda rights read.

“Can I do this?” I thought, as I found your gun.
You always thought I was the naive one,
As you hung with your bitches and had your fun.
But now my mind’s made up; what’s done is done.

What did I do that horrible night?
I imagined you cowering, your face filled with fright.
How pathetic!  You were always the one to act out of spite;
But now I was the one who would take great delight.

I creeped in quietly, but you suddenly awoke.
I pointed the barrel, and that’s when I spoke,
“You’ve beaten me up, left my spirit broke
For the last time, you bastard; now this is my joke.”

The gun went off; it sounded so loud.
The next thing I knew, there was a gathering crowd.
“I didn’t mean it!” I tried to scream.
But my words wouldn’t come out; it was like a bad dream.

I’m suddenly awakened, I hear all their cries.
In through the cracks, the light shines in my eyes.
I try to remember, then I realize,
I’ll never get out; I believed all your lies.

And now I am here with my arms at my side.
I can’t seem to move; it’s like my hands are tied.
I didn’t want to go, but they took me away.
I will never forget that horrible day.

When they nailed the lid shut, it was an awful sound;
As they lowered my body down into the ground;
The dirt came pouring down in through the cracks;
I close my eyes and try to relax.

I remember seeing you with her in our bed;
I can’t stop this spinning inside of my head.
But now I recall the last thing you said:
“I hate you, you bitch; I wish you were…”

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23 thoughts on “I’m Not Angry Anymore

  1. First off let me say that I am happy you got out! Secondly, he was an asshole and your neighbor needed her behind beat. Okay, now that I have that out of the way, I love your poem. It reflects the pain, but it’s very honest. Kudos to you for being happy now :).

  2. I’m sorry that happened to you Rachel…I’m glad you turned yourself around. 🙂 Okay, as for the poem, I loved it! I agree with you, it has a nice psychological aspect to it. You’re like a modern day Poe (female version that is)!

  3. 1. Never apologize. It’s OK to be angry. Writing obviously helped you get through a dark time in your life. I’m glad you’re OK. I was in an abusive relationship 20 years ago myself, and writing helped me, as well.
    2. Never feel you have to tone down your work for anyone else. This is a very well written poem. Very deep. Very dark. Very personal. I, for one, would love to see the original.
    3. Keep the poems coming. I always appreciate bursts of creativity. 🙂

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