34 thoughts on “I Wonder…

  1. No I would not go back and change anything. I am who I am because of my past not in spite of it. I have made many mistakes; however, I give up all hope of having a better past…
    Mistakes of past are just learning opportunities and a good reminder of what I don’t want for my life today.

  2. I would go back and re live a sunrise I saw over loch Eck when I was 16. Just me, the loch, the mountains, the gentle rain and the sun rising. Every event in my life good and bad has made me who I am, and I like who I am : ) so I would not want to change anything.

  3. I would go back to “a day I made a major life changing decision” and ONLY if I could go back with my “wisdom” I gained on my journey through this life…..and to be young with my “journey wisdom” …yes I would go back in a heart beat! lol..but without the wisdom gained, I would never go back:-)

  4. I would right a wrong, hands down. This still is difficult for me to talk about, but it needs to be said. When I was 12 and living in a children’s home, I could have stopped someone from running away late one night. She ran away because of all the cruelty she endured at the hands of our housemates, who used to do the same thing to me until she came along. I went along with them to keep them off my back, but two wrongs don’t ever make a right. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and did it anyway. Self-preservation does not justify or excuse my actions, either. She was my roommate and I woke up one night to see her walking down the stairs. I asked her if the house parents knew she was going out and she said yes, but I knew she was lying and I did nothing to stop her. So I let her go without another word. She had been nothing but kind to me, and I repaid her with cruelty. She was 15 at the time, and no one ever heard from her again. I know, because I asked about her again and again over the years. Thirty-one years later, I still wonder about her — if she’s safe, if she’s happy, if she’s loved. It is my hope that she is all of those things. There is no forgiveness for what I did. I hated what I had become when she left and I changed then and there, I hope, for the better. I can’t bring myself to be cruel to anyone ever again. She deserved so much better than that. Everyone does.

    • Aww, that is so sad that you are still tortured over this. 😦 As a 12 year old child, you didn’t have the foresight to know what might happen, and in a situation like you describe, it would have been so difficult to stand up to the bullies. But I sense that that one moment defined you as a better person from then on. You sound like a very caring soul, and you do deserve forgiveness, but you especially deserve to forgive yourself. You may not have acted in the girl’s best interest, but you had extenuating circumstances, and there were also house parents that should have been aware of how the other kids were treating her and you. Please let go of some of this burden you’ve been carrying and let yourself find peace. You have a beautiful heart, and perhaps you have even touched others in a positive way along your way because of the guilt you felt. You deserve happiness and love. Best wishes! πŸ™‚ xoxo

      • Thank you for that. I have a wonderful husband and we have a beautiful 8-year-old son, and I am thankful for them and their love every day. What happened back then was absolutely the worst thing I’ve ever done. That night was perhaps the most defining moment of my life, in that it changed me and the way I treat my fellow man, I hope, for the better. I’m not perfect — no one is — and it’s been a struggle to forgive myself, but it taught me, more than anything, how NOT to treat others and to stand up for someone — anyone — when no one else will. I just hope that she is out there somewhere, happily living her life. I wonder about her often, but I realize that I will never know for certain. So the only thing I can do is to pay that lesson forward and always do right by others Thank you again for your kind words. They help more than you know.

      • As an adult, like you, I feel that evil thrives when god men do nothing. But as a kid, I was shy and soft-spoken, and afraid of my own shadow. So I can relate to doing whatever it took to fit in for a few fleeting moments and spending years regretting that you didn’t do what, as an adult, you would do now. But I just try to remember, as I hope you do, that as adults, we have a lot more power to speak up and change things than we did as young girls. I’m so glad you have a loving family now. I’m sure the mom your son knows is a fine example of how to be considerate of the feelings of others. πŸ™‚

  5. I could say I would go back in time and right a wrong, but I believe that my mistakes in the past were necessary in order to get me to where I am at today. I believe my best day or days are yet to come πŸ™‚

  6. Pingback: Wondering Wednesday: I Was Wondering… | Rachel Carrera, Novelist

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